Leaving Kenya tomorrow, hopefully the hippo nightmares will cease

I used to have bad dreams about snakes, now it's hippos--always hippos. I guess somewhere deep inside me the 7th grade science student has always known that hippos are like crazy dangerous, but being in Kenya has really driven the point home. I think it has a lot to do with cartoon images and games like "hungry hungry hippos"--I mean, what American child is scared of something that looks like this:

I can't think of a more misleading portrayal of this animal


Last night I had a dream that hippos were loose in an auditorium and chasing everyone around. Just reading this description of hippos from Wikipedia gives me chills.

AGGGHHH!!!!!


So I'm kind of looking forward to getting back to the cartoon world of hippos where they're safely enclosed in the zoo or providing hours of deafening, obnoxious entertainment for five year-olds.


Other things I won't miss too much about Kenya: language barriers. This shouldn't really be an issue I think, since Kenya is an English-speaking country and so is the U.S., for the most part. But for some reason NO ONE understands me in this country. I've stopped counting how many times I've had a conversation like this: (M=me, K=kenyan)

M: Hi, how much is...

K: FINE THANK YOU

M: Ummm, ok, so how.....

K: 3 o'clock....

Even worse are phone conversations where any pause longer than a half a second apparently implies you've completely abandoned the telephone never to return again. Example:

M: Hi, my name is Tracy...

K: HELLO???? YES??? HELLO????

M: Um, yeah, still here, my name is Tracy, I'm calling from Equality Now...

K: HELLO ARE YOU THERE HELLO HELLO ARE YOU STILL THERE???????

M:I'MCALLINGFROMEQUALITYNOWMAYIPLEASESPEAKTOMS___THANKYOUVERYMUCH

K: I'm sorry can you repeat that?

It's truly maddening. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to communicate to someone who speaks your language. I started carrying around a pen and paper to write instructions for cab drivers after I was 30 minutes late to work one morning when I told the driver "Bishop Tower near the Israeli Embassy, I'm in a hurry" and we were half way to the U.S. Embassy before I realized he wasn't taking a shortcut.

Another conversation I've had at least 15 times:

M: Hi, I'm Tracy, nice to meet you

K: Oh, 'Tracy,' like 'Tracy Chapman'

M: Um, I guess...


Ok, time to go shop, pack, and avoid the toothless crazy man who still yells at me when he sees me. Who would've thought he'd still remember our "encounter" from like a month ago? Though, like I've said before, no one forgets a mzungu in this city. I'd better be on my best behavior.

No, sir, I don't want to purchase a pinwheel, gardening shears, or a baby rabbit this afternoon

One thing I find strange about Nairobi is the abundance of useless crap they sell on the side of the road. Sure, in theory it's a good idea: selling stuff to people stuck in dead-stop traffic for up to twenty minutes at a time. The problem is they sell the most random, inconvenient items possible, and thus they don't sell much at all. I think hawkers in this city could benefit from a little Econ 101: guys, you need to be selling consumable items. That lady you sell a diet coke to today? Well, chances are she's going to want one tomorrow too (I know I would), or at least more than one in a lifetime. You can't try to sell drivers license holders to the same crowd everyday. So, I'm going to list a few items I see for sale regularly on the way home, and suggestions for alternative merchandise.


1. BAD thing to sell in the road: Pool toys in the middle of winter (or ever)

Inflated pool floats should never, ever, be sold on the side of the road, regardless of the season, and since technically it's winter here and people are decked out in down parkas in the 70 degree weather, this item is particularly useless. Not to mention the fact that most backseats can't safely accomodate something so bulky and vision-obstructing.


GOOD thing to sell in the road: Diet coke or other refreshing beverages
What a perfect treat for sitting in traffic. No matter what season, nothing makes time fly like sipping on a cool diet coke. Inexpensive, convenient to carry, and one-time-use only. "Diet coke ma'am?" Sure, I'll take two!


2. BAD thing to sell in the road: large, framed artwork

If it's heavier than an elementary school-aged child, it shouldn't be sold on the side of the road. I really don't understand this one--is framed artwork really that much of an impulse-buy? And I'm not talking about little 8x10 portraits of Maasai warriors--the stuff they sell here is serious business, 6 foot-tall grown men struggling to manage these while they display them to oncoming traffic. Even if I were in the mood to purchase something this random, once I got it home there would be absolutely no way I could get it out of my car and into the house by myself.


GOOD thing to sell in the road: fresh fruit

People in Kenya love fruit. We get invited to "cocktail" receptions where everyone passes up the booze in favor of fresh-squeezed orange juice. Oranges here cost about 7 cents, bananas about 5 cents. How are hawkers here missing out on this? Granted, the above picture is a little deceptive--there's no way I'd buy grapes or an apple from my car window, but something that could easily be peeled? Definitely.


3. BAD thing to sell in the road: puppies and other small mammals

If it needs to be fed, watered, and/or vaccinated, it shouldn't be sold on the side of the road. First of all, pets are kind of a big decision, not something you just decide all of a sudden that you must have immediately while sitting in traffic. Second, where exactly are these puppies coming from, and what happens to them when no one buys them. Third, it's not like the hawkers are offering you a cage or anything, they're just holding the animals in their hands--and most people don't ride around with pet carriers when they're sans pet, so do you just put your new dog in the back seat and keep driving home? I guess so but it just seems a little weird. I could go on with more reasons why this is a BAD item to sell in the road, but I'm not sure it's necessary.


GOOD thing to sell in the road: mobile phone credit

Cell phones here work on the pre-paid system, you buy like Ksh500 worth of credit, every minute you talk costs a certain amount, and when you run out of Shillings, you buy a new card. It's enough to make you want to hug a Verizon representative, but anyway if that's what you have to work with here why not take advantage of it. I'm sure there are plenty of people who hop in their cars, start driving, and don't realize they're almost out of credit until they're sandwiched between 1,000 other cars and 30 minutes from the nearest Safaricom/Celtel outlet. Enter hawkers, offering a Ksh500 card for Ksh520--they make a little profit and they aren't stuck with an aging, disease-ridden puppy at the end of the day. Fantastic!


Conclusion:
If hawkers weren't routinely rounded up by police and carted off to Kenya-jail I might consider changing professions.